Confessions of a Secret Lover

It’s hard to pretend to be 'just friends' with a girl, when an intense feeling of love bubbles inside you for her. When you’re a victim of a secret, on-sided love, life gets exotic for you, and a bit uneasy too, but you love the complexities that comes as the parts of the package. It’s a phase in your life that stirs in your mind a whirlpool of elated emotions— perplexity, contemplation, expectation, excitement, and a whole lot of other psychological undulations accompanying.

It’s a phase in your life when you’re really acting like a OCD victim. Checking her Facebook wall compulsively every minute, anticipating her messages on your cell-phone every now and then, looking at yourself thousand times in the mirror judging your self-worth, driving yourself crazy re-playing the songs that intensifies your emotion for her, fantasizing romantic moments with her, and even feeling jealous of her. (Love and jealousy are the two sides of a same coin…When you find something you like to be out of your league, you start to feel jealous about it)

Your feelings for her make you act creepy whenever she’s around you, and this gets evident to your friends. They tease you calling out your name loud whenever she’s passes by, and you feel like thrashing them black and blue. But in some corners of your mind, you love the emotion it creates.

She starts to look hotter as the days passes by, hotter than any other women you see around her. Her eyes make you fall into a trance—an altered state of mind where you imagine yourself to be in her arms, feeling the warmth of her body on your bare skin. You imagine yourself kissing her endlessly on every part of her body, relishing her taste. You imagine being so closer to her that you feel her moist breath on your lips; You hear hearts throbbing together in unison.

You want to propose her, but there’s something that makes you stay away from asking her out . Maybe you’re afraid of loosing her completely;  you are not sure if she too has got similar feelings for you. You’re afraid of being rejected. It’s only the superficial believe that ‘she likes me as much as I like her’ is what keeps you happy and satisfied.

 Your friends continue to tease you, embarrassing you in silly ways whenever she passes by. There are some caring friends too who encourage you to go and ask her out like a man (After all it’s always the men who’re expected to make the first move). Despite the constant torture your mind and your friends inflicts on you, you’re able to keep yourself away from proposing her, and as a defense mechanism, your love takes on a different dimension—you start to deny your true feelings. In the elation of differential emotions, you kill your real feeling saying to yourself: I don’t love her; just want to fuck once, and let go!

As the time passes by, you take refuge in your fantasies.  You become naughtier, and you make her naughty too in your mind, painting her character with your carnal thoughts. Till then, you have had lost your virginity many times to her in mind. Infact, it becomes much of a routine for you—You jerk off daily fantasizing about her, kissing her lips, licking her private parts, fondling her breasts, making love to her in every possible positions, and treating her like a whore! She makes you come so badly; keeps you hard down there all the times. She’s your naughty little bitch. Your fantasy queen. Your secret love.