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I come across many people whom I find to be a victim of
Approval Addiction—the people pleasers, to be more straight. All they want in
their life is to gets people’s admiration, everywhere. A typical people pleaser
sacrifices his or her ‘self’ in the service of others doing anything feasible to make
sure he or she is liked and appreciated by everyone. Updating beatific quotes
on facebook every minute to portray virtuosity (and liking other’s statuses
impulsively), spending money compulsively on friends to portray faithfulness,
putting oneself in pain to show care for others, and judging others positively
in front of them even though they’ve got an opposite feeling inside are some of
the many things a people pleaser may do on a regular basis. The people-pleasing
tendency in females can be specifically manifested in the form of behaviors
like ‘faking orgasms’ during intercourse; pretending to be innocent while suffering
sexual assaults; spending hours in front
of the mirror correcting make-up flaws; being too dependent on others for
making basic decision of life; and staying awake all night talking crap to her
boyfriend on phone even when she’s exhausted and wants to sleep!
Ever wondered what makes a person an obsessive people
pleaser? According to the psychologist Karen Horneye(1937), the obsessive
tendency of pleasing others develops a result of neglect that a child faces in
its formative years. When a child is born, it feels helpless in a threatening
world—a world that appears to be quite intimidating and hostile. Feeling quite
weak and dependent, the child depends on its parents for safety and
satisfaction. If the parents are able to foster an amiable and serene environment
during that period, creating a feeling of security, the child is really very
lucky. In the absence of such an environment, the child develops something called
‘Basic Anxiety’.
The ‘basic anxiety is accompanied by a feeling of
‘Hostility’ towards parents as a reaction to resentment. Because the hostility cannot
be directly expressed to the parents, it
gets repressed into the unconscious mind, which tend to increase the anxiety
further. This sets path for neuroses that tend to show up in adulthood (neuroses
like excessive compliance, social withdrawal, over-ascendance etc… ). Usually
people-pleasers neurotically ‘move toward others’ relying heavily on excessive compliance.
To seek security they make themselves indiscriminately amenable, and are
inclined to do whatever they feel will get other's approval and affection.
While Being a people pleaser can provide a sense of temporary
security, it slowly pushes the individual into a state where he or she feels
depleted, exploited and unhappy. Approval addiction is detrimental to all-round
development of an individual especially in the field of education and career,
and can even become a cause of for his or her downfall, pushing him or her
into depression.
Now that you know being a people pleaser is detrimental,
it’s time to create some awareness around you. If you feel you know peoples who suffers from such a neurotic condition, you should help them out of it by
showing your support first of all(that’s exactly what they need) so as to
develop a trust. When they develop a trust on you , you should encourage them to bring about some changes in life. You should tell them:
“Look at the mirror,
see yourself, and believe on what you see. Nobody knows you better than you yourself
do, So let nobody’s opinion dominate your actions and your decisions to change.
All you should be concerned about is moving ahead in life believing on your
‘self’ and bestowing your love to others without expectation their likes and
approvals. If you stick to this simple
mantra, at the end of the day you’ll feel that you’ve lived a happy life—a life
that’s free of conventional wisdom and un-necessary conformity; a life that has
been lived purposefully.”
