Are you a People Pleaser?

kevinmartineau.ca

I can’t tell you the key to success, but the key to failure is definitely trying to please everyone! While the tendency to have people’s approval for your actions is manifested as one of the basic human needs, as listed on ‘Maslow’s need pyramid’, there are cases when the fear of being rejected and disliked (facilitated by ‘basic anxieties’ of childhood) escalates to an alarming level. If that happens, you tend to suffer from a neurotic condition known as Approval Addiction! 

I come across many people whom I find to be a victim of Approval Addiction—the people pleasers, to be more straight. All they want in their life is to gets people’s admiration, everywhere. A typical people pleaser sacrifices his or her ‘self’ in the service of others doing anything feasible to make sure he or she is liked and appreciated by everyone. Updating beatific quotes on facebook every minute to portray virtuosity (and liking other’s statuses impulsively), spending money compulsively on friends to portray faithfulness, putting oneself in pain to show care for others, and judging others positively in front of them even though they’ve got an opposite feeling inside are some of the many things a people pleaser may do on a regular basis. The people-pleasing tendency in females can be specifically manifested in the form of behaviors like ‘faking orgasms’ during intercourse; pretending to be innocent while suffering sexual assaults;  spending hours in front of the mirror correcting make-up flaws; being too dependent on others for making basic decision of life; and staying awake all night talking crap to her boyfriend on phone even when she’s exhausted and wants to sleep!

Ever wondered what makes a person an obsessive people pleaser? According to the psychologist Karen Horneye(1937), the obsessive tendency of pleasing others develops a result of neglect that a child faces in its formative years. When a child is born, it feels helpless in a threatening world—a world that appears to be quite intimidating and hostile. Feeling quite weak and dependent, the child depends on its parents for safety and satisfaction. If the parents are able to foster an amiable and serene environment during that period, creating a feeling of security, the child is really very lucky. In the absence of such an environment, the child develops something called ‘Basic Anxiety’. 

The ‘basic anxiety is accompanied by a feeling of ‘Hostility’ towards parents as a reaction to resentment. Because the hostility cannot be directly expressed  to the parents, it gets repressed into the unconscious mind, which tend to increase the anxiety further. This sets path for neuroses that tend to show up in adulthood (neuroses like excessive compliance, social withdrawal, over-ascendance etc… ). Usually people-pleasers neurotically ‘move toward others’ relying heavily on excessive compliance. To seek security they make themselves indiscriminately amenable, and are inclined to do whatever they feel will get other's approval and affection.

While Being a people pleaser can provide a sense of temporary security, it slowly pushes the individual into a state where he or she feels depleted, exploited and unhappy. Approval addiction is detrimental to all-round development of an individual especially in the field of education and career, and can even become a cause of for his or her downfall, pushing  him or her into depression.

Now that you know being a people pleaser is detrimental, it’s time to create some awareness around you. If you feel you know peoples who suffers from such a neurotic condition, you should help them out of it by showing your support first of all(that’s exactly what they need) so as to develop a trust. When they develop a trust on you , you should encourage them to bring about some changes in life. You should tell them:

“Look at the mirror, see yourself, and believe on what you see. Nobody knows you better than you yourself do, So let nobody’s opinion dominate your actions and your decisions to change. All you should be concerned about is moving ahead in life believing on your ‘self’ and bestowing your love to others without expectation their likes and approvals.  If you stick to this simple mantra, at the end of the day you’ll feel that you’ve lived a happy life—a life that’s free of conventional wisdom and un-necessary conformity; a life that has been lived purposefully.”